I think my heart stopped beating when I saw them. Rowan and Java…kissing. No it couldn’t be. I closed my eyes and squeezed them tight. Must have been a misunderstanding. My eyes were just playing tricks on me. Ya. My body started to calm down, but my heart still felt as if someone squeezing the life right out of it.
“Hello blind girl here, need a little insight into whats happening.”
“Whu?” I questioned. Tranquil had no idea what was happening, and I didn’t have the heart nor the words to say I just saw Rowan and Java kissing… “Oh it’s nothing. I…. have a headache. Its really started to pound on me pretty bad. I just need a second.”
I leaned against the cold wall, my heart felt as heavy a brick. I took a couple of steadying breaths and looped my arm through Tranquil’s once again. “Ok I think I am OK now. Lets go.”
I started to walk again but my feet felt glued to the floor. “Wait here a second, I need to check something.”
“Ok. You sure are being awfully cryptic.”
“I know. It’s just…”
“Its just what?”
“Nothing.” I sighed under my breath while peeking back out the glass door. Java was no where to be found and Rowan was waiting for me. I knew eventually I would have to exit the building, but hoped maybe if I stayed inside long enough, he would give up on waiting for me and just leave, but he didn’t. Finally I gathered enough courage and Tranquil and I stepped into the bright afternoon sun.
“Hey. There you are. You don’t know how happy I am to see you.”
Heh sure he was. I did my best to fake a smile. Fine if he was going to pretend like it never happened. So was I. “Ya sorry, I have a bit of a headache. Not thinking too clearly today.”
In all actuality it was a mixture or annoyance, anger and hurt clouding my thoughts, but that was much more of a mouthful than I was able to express right then.
“Awww no. You know what you need? A nice massage from yours truly.”
That was by far the last thing I wanted. I honestly didn’t know what I needed, except to be alone. “I think I am gonna walk home today. Maybe the fresh air will help.”
“You want me to walk with you?”
“No. I will be OK.”
“OK. Call me later? There is something I need to talk to you about.”
I felt my heart drop again. I swore if it dropped one more time, I was going with it. Couldn’t be healthy for a heart stop beating so many times in one day…
We stood around for a couple of minutes not saying a word. Finally he shoved his hands in his pocket and headed for the bus. “See you later Blushers. Tranquil.”
I watched him walk all the way out to the bus stop. My mind started running a hundred different scenarios on what he wanted to talk about, after seeing him with Java…I could safely say none of them were good.
“Ok what was that all about?”
I dropped my chin to my chest and my shoulders slumped forward. The end of my perfect relationship I thought to myself.
I waited with Tranquil until Mrs. C arrived. I bid them both farewell and started my long walk home. There was a reason I rode the bus, I lived clear across town. A good 45 minutes or more, but the last place I wanted to be was around Rowan or anyone else for that matter.
The streets felt as empty as my heart. I walked through the eerily quiet neighborhood just a few blocks from my house, slightly regretting my choice to hoof it all the way home. The fresh air wasn’t helping. In fact all the time on my own to think was only exacerbating the issue. Anger and shame rising higher and higher into my soul till it rested right at my throat.
The sight of the local movie theater stopped me dead in my tracks. We were supposed to be going to see Ice Cream 4 together that next weekend. I seriously doubted that would be happening after the days already notorious track record.
My legs could hardly carry the weight of me down the stairs to the entrance to my building, I was a complete and utter mess. Why did I just let it go? Why didn’t I say something then? Why didn’t he say something? So many questions and thoughts bombarded my mind over and over again.
When I entered the elevator, I pressed the B1 key. As the elevators doors closed I dropped my head right down onto the metal panel. It wasn’t very comfortable, but it was better than trying to carry the weight myself. I stared down at the floor of the elevator, secretly praying it would jam and I would be stuck there for a while. When the doors opened, I drug myself down the hall until I got to our door.
I knew Dad would be home watching TV when I got there. Its what he always did when he got home from work. Other than make dinner, that was pretty much his home life since Mom had died. He never really dealt with her death and I guess sitting in front of the TV was a much easier way for him to handle it all. He and I were never very close, but the distance only seemed to widen after she was gone. Pretty sad when you think about it. It should have brought us closer together, but somehow for us, it never worked out that way.
I dragged myself across the living room to my bedroom in long heavy strides. It must have looked rather dramatic, but I certainly did not give a berry.
“You don’t look so good.”
“I don’t feel so good.”
“You should rest.”
“I think I will.”
I successfully made it into the sanctity of my bedroom before I totally lost it. Hot tears stung my eyes before rolling down my face. I was sobbing so loud, I know he heard me, but he either chose to ignore them or just wanted to let me be. I liked to tell myself it was the latter, I dearly hoped it was the latter.
Why would he kiss her! Why?! I thought we really had something special. What if he loved her? What if I was just standing in the way of their happiness? What a fool I had been. To think I could find love so easily.
I leaned against my door for support, my heart and soul flushing out through my eyes. I had never been so angry, upset, hurt, betrayed, confused all at the same time. Not even when Mom died.
I could barely see through all the tears in my eyes, but I somehow made it to my bed, I dropped down onto it and curled up into a bawl. Tears still rolling down my face and drenching my pillow in the process, I looked to my bed side table where the picture of my mother sat.
“Oh Momma. I wish you were here right now. I am so confused.”
I loved talking to her, even though I knew it was just her photograph, I believed in my heart of hearts she could actually hear me. Somewhere…
“I thought he was the one, but I think I was wrong. He was kissing another girl today, and then pretended like it nothing happened. I don’t think he knows I saw. Oh Momma. Please help me.”
As I laid there wallowing in my own self pity, my eyes started to droop and before long I had fallen asleep. I didn’t dream, or if I did I had no recollection of what they were about. It was a lonely state just like the rest of the day before it had been.
When I woke again, I just continued to lay there with my eyes closed. A feeling frustration started to creep in and only became worse when I realized it was my own fault I was lonely. Tranquil tried to help and I just pushed her away. Even Dad did his best to help in is own odd little way, but no silly little Blush tries to take it all on her own shoulders alone.
My thoughts were soon interrupted by the low vibrating sound of my phone in my pocket. I gingerly pulled it from my pocket to read who it was from. It was a Twiz from Rowan. I was more than terrified to open it. I closed my eyes for a second and then opened the message.
@IdBlushForYou oh yeah, i know. Ive got to tell you something, blusher… Ive kinda wanted to tell you for a little while now..
My heart started racing. Oh berry no. Was he going to break up with me? Right there on Twizzler? I jumped from my bed and ran to my computer and sent back a small reply.
@RowanR23 oh? :O
It seemed like an eternity for his reply. My heart pounding in my ears and my throat. This was it, any second it would all be over.
@IdBlushForYou I mean.. okay, this is awkward.. /sets down ice cream. Okayumiloveyoublushyandihaveforawhilenowbutididntknowhowtosayitandi–
My eyes flew open and my mouth did too. Sure it was all jumbled together, but the message was clear.
Then another popped up.
@IdBlushForYou dontmindifyoudontfeelthesamerightnowbutijusthadtogetitoffmychest /heavysigh
I stared at the screen dumbfounded. All that worry. I had practically thrown myself into a tizzy and for what? He loved me. HE LOVED ME!! I realized I better say something back. This was my chance!
@RowanR23 O.O Oh Row. I love you too!! *snugglesclose* I am off to bed a happy and loved little berry. n.n Goodnight sweetheart.
I turned off my computer and climed up onto my bed.
I started to jump around on my bed like a crazy idiot. “He loves me! He loves me!” I laughed and screamed to the ceiling. If you ever had a doubt that love makes you crazy, this my friends proves it.
My celebration went on for a good half hour before I decided my poor dad would probably appreciate me shutting up. I prepared myself for bed and attempted to fall asleep, but sleep wouldn’t come. I tried for almost three hours, but mind kept coming back to their kiss. I would toss and turn but as soon as my eyes closed again, there was Java and Rowan.
I knew this was going to eat away at me until I asked, and if I wanted to get any sleep at all that night, I decided I had better do it sooner than later. I rolled out of bed and put on my slippers.
After grabbing the keys from dads room, I carefully tiptoed past him still sleeping on the couch and out to the elevator.
The lights from the bridge whirred past me and it quickly sunk in that I had completely lost my mind. I kept going though, up the hill and straight to Rowans house.
When I pulled up to his house, all the light were off… Of course they were it was like 3am in the morning. I walked across the grass to the side of the house where his bedroom was. Grabbing a couple pebbles from the planter I carefully tossed them at his window. The first one missed the window completely and only made a small ping when it hit the siding. The second was a dead ringer and hit the window making a tinking sound.
A couple seconds later, Rows face appeared and all I could do was wave. The look of shock quickly disappeared from his face and was replaced by a huge smile. He gestured for the front door and then he was gone. I ran across the wet grass, small sprays of water misting my legs as I went. Just as I came up the steps the front door opened.
I threw myself into his arms and he wrapped them around me tightly in reply. “Blushers what are you doing here love?”
“I’m sorry. I had to see you.”
“Don’t be sorry. I was just surprised is all. Is every thing OK?”
My smile dropped. “There is something I need to talk to you about actually.”
“Oh?” He questioned taking hold of hands and leading me to the porch seat.
“Its about school and today.”
I took another breath and let out a heavy sigh. I buried my face into his chest and let it all out. “I saw you and Java kiss today.”
“Oh you saw that?”
“Oh Blushers why didn’t you say anything?”
“I don’t know. I thought you would. Or I hoped you would.”
“The only reason I didn’t was I thought you hadn’t seen. I wanted to talk to you about it in private. Not in front of poor Tranquil. It was pretty personal ya know?”
“Ya… I thought you were going to break up with me.”
“Oh love no. Ughhh that was me being stupid. I should have said something. I’m sorry.”
“Yes she kissed me, but she left before I ever had a chance to talk to her. Explain to her that I love you. I love you Blushers.”
My heart had been on the roller-coaster of its life that day. It was now filled with so much happiness I could barely contain myself. I leaned in and dropped my head into his shoulder, holding his hand I interlaced his fingers with my own. “I love you too.”
We spent the rest of the night and into the early morning holding eachother. All my doubts washed away as the sun started to rise over the horizon. I knew we would face our share of ups and downs in the coming years, but as long as we had each other we would make it through what ever might come our way.