What started out as a bump no larger than one you might get after a large meal, had grown into something, I could no longer ignore. Could it possibly be? A baby bump? I mean it was possible, but I hadn’t had any of the pregnancy symptoms. I not once had thrown up, nor did I have an out of control appetite. Yet there sat the obvious protrusion from my normally flat belly. I touched it gently. Anxiety threatening to pull my right off my feet. How did I let this happen? We had always been so careful. I was no fool, I knew how pregnancies happened, which is why I had taken all precautions very seriously.
Drowning in my own thoughts, I never heard him as he sat up in the bed behind
“Is that what I think it is?” Disco’s question was laced with a grogginess that made my chest feel uneasy. His eyes would not tear away from the lump resting around my abdomen. I had no where to run to. No way to ease him down gently. He knew as well as i did, what we had done, and it would seem we were now reaping the er… benefits.
I wanted to say yes, but the words would not come. Instead the tears rolling down my cheeks did all of the talking. I felt so ashamed. So embarrassed, like some how it was all my fault. I wasn’t even quite sure, why it was all so intense. Most likely due to the hormones, that were now racing through my system to aid the little being inside.
Disco, almost the instant it had come out of his mouth, realized how harsh his question had been. He sprang from the bed, and rushed to my side. I could feel myself literally falling apart in his arms. The sobs grew louder and deeper, and the only thing I was grateful for, was that we were staying in the guest house, so no one else would hear the ruckus I was making.
“I’m sorry!” I choked. The sobs continued to rack my entire body from head to toe.
In the softest tone I had ever heard, with not even an attempt to raise it, so it would be heard over my cries, Disco petted my hair. “What are you sorry about love?”
“This! I wasn’t ready for this! We were just getting to know one another, and now this.”
“This.” Disco smiled touching my belly. “Doesn’t change anything. Not for me it doesn’t. I know, you may not be believe it fully yet, but I love you. Heart and soul, and you won’t ever see me walk out that door, ever…well except maybe when I have to go to work.”
That I couldn’t help but laugh at. I sniffed deep, trying to clear my eyes as well as my nose. “You always know what to say to make me feel better. You know that?”
“I know you better than you think I do.” He said with a wink.
He touched my belly a second time, only this time, it was not for me, but for us. Even just the gentle touch of his hand upon our child filled me with a warmth, that made my tummy tingle.
“Do you think it is a boy or a girl?” he asked, still attempting to feel them from inside.
“Doesn’t really matter, they are going to be the most loved baby either way.” He stated as if it were a given.
Again I smiled. “I think you could be right about that.”
We shared another kiss, and I couldn’t help take in the complexity of all we had been through. What one of my dearest friend had been willing to go through just be by my side. I felt slightly guilty. I knew he was ready for all of this, and I… well I wasn’t.
Well ready or not, the baby was on it’s way, so I had some announcements to make. I had a feeling my mother would be excited, so I decided to to start with her. “Mom, got some news. Some rather big news.”
“Am I going to be a grandma?!” She squealed.
I stood there unblinking for several moments. “How did you…”
“Oh I am so excited! He is going to be adorable.”
“Oh I mean. He, she, who knows what it will be. Right?”
My mom always had this uncanny way of knowing exactly what was going on, but I swore if it turned out to be a boy, I was convinced my mother was magic or something…
The rest of the announcements pretty much went the same way as the first. Everyone knew almost instantly, from the moment I said I had news. The only one, to have a different outcome, was Prelude and Fern, because Fern had a little announcement of her own. Looks like our little one, was going to have a cousin already.
Disco, immediately dove into doting father mode. It seems what ever he chose to do, he refused to half berry it. He had a pile of books next to the bed, all with titles like, “First baby, and what do I do?” and “Baby is the new pink: Progressive colors redefining the gender lines.” I had barely skimmed through one of them in the time, that Disco had scoured about three, cover to cover.
I experienced pregnancy fatigue, through out a good portion of the pregnancy. So I spent most of his studying time, catching some well needed Z’s, but I did get a few personal narrations, when Disco would run across something that he felt was incredibly important.
“Did you know they have ears now. They can hear the sound of yours and my voice.” Disco stated excitedly. “How cool is that?”
“We need to talk to them every day. It says you should pretend that they are in the room with you and you are just striking up a conversation, and by the time they get here, they will recognize the tones in your voice instantly.”
“What if I’m not a good mom?”
“You kidding? You are gonna be a great mom. I just know it.”
“Glad one of us is so sure.”
“You just wait and see.”
Since we were already settled into the guest house, we decided to it would be easier to set up the front room, into a make shift nursery. It would not have made any since to put the baby in the house, when were both so far away. We set up the room in beautiful lavenders and blues, two colors listed in Disco’s book.
Once the decorating began, things became more real, and I was finally getting excited. Though Disco seemed to be a little more excited than me.
“Did you feel that?! I felt that. They have quite the little kick.”
I giggled. “Yes, I felt it, it’s right here in my belly remember.”
“Oh ya. Sorry baby, Daddy is silly.”
“He sure is.”
“Which is probably why I am about to do this.”
Before any more explanation was needed…
Disco was kneeling before me, with a ring box in hand. He opened the box and I couldn’t believe my eyes. “Miss Waterlily Whip Chiffon, will you marry me?
I was at a loss for words. My heart was racing so loudly, I knew it would drown out any sort of answer I was about to give.
I reached out for the box, and carefully shut the lid. “No.”
“No?” His voice floated through my heart and I could feel as his shattered. His face fell into such a deep grimace, my stomach twisted into a knot, I knew for sure would never release. He retracted the box and set it near the newly decorated crib.
I knew he deserved an explanation, was not sure if it would help, but he deserved it regardless. “I’m sorry. It’s not for the reason you might think it is. This isn’t how it should be. We should marry because we love each other, not because you accidently got me pregnant.”
“It has nothing to do with that.”
“Perhaps it doesn’t, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life.” My voice could no longer voice the words. Vocalizing it made it sound stupid, I couldn’t get the words to come across the way I wanted. Hormones or no, I was a right mess, as usual.
But instead of being shakin by my confession, Disco pulled me into his arms.
“Shhhh, you don’t have to explain to me. If you aren’t ready, you aren’t ready, and unless your next plan if action is to kick me out, then I am willing to wait as long as it takes.”
Oh the berry lovin tears. “Why do you put up with me?!” I sobbed into his shoulder.
“Do you really have to ask? Because I love you, and that’s what people in love do.”
“I don’t think I deserve you.”
“Don’t you ever say that again.”
“Disco… I do love you. It’s just.”
“Nope, not another word about it. We have more important things to worry about.”
“Like this.” He smiled, pressing his lips to mine. I wasn’t sure what was so special about me to deserve the unconditional love I received in an endless abundance, but I was learning quickly just to be gracious of my blessings.
“I love you Miss Chiffon.”
“I Love you.”
By 8 and a half months, i felt like a blimp. It was hard for me to walk anywhere without a noticeable waddle. Which is why I was slightly perturbed when I left the bedroom to find that the front door was wide open. Disco had gone up to the house for something, and must have forgotten that the door was slightly wonky. I started over to it, but half way my tummy gave a shudder and a painful cramp pulled at my insides.
“Ow!” I screeched. Another contraction hit only a few moments later. “DISCO! I need you now!”
It would seem, even with all the books, he was not ready for the real thing. “OMB! No! Now!? What do we do?! Lil! Are you okay? Breathe breathe breathe.”
“Help me to the car please.”
“Oh Right. Right.”
“And call mom.”
By the time we got to the hospital, my contractions were dangerously close together, it must have been the quickest labor in history. Since all the horror stories, I had heard, it lasted well into the double digits of hours some times. For me though, I wasn’t but up in the stirrups when the doctors, motioned for the nurse to get ready because “This baby, was on it’s way!”
He came into the world the usual way.
And a day later, we returned home with the newest family member. Affair Chiffon.
Everyone in the house was dying to meet him. Mom especially. She met us at the door, and threw out her arms, indicating that the baby was to be placed in them, this very instant. She cradled him and cooed like most grandmothers would, but there was something different about this meeting. Almost as if she already knew him, which was impossible I know, but still she greeted him like an old dear friend.
“Hello angel, it’s good finally have you here.”