“I’m sorry could you please repeat that, I swore I heard you say…”
“I slept with somebody else.”
My whole body froze. Everything was buzzing incredible loudly in my head. From the hum of refrigerator to the ever so rhythmic drip of my busted sink faucet. I blinked a couple times half expecting the tears to begin falling, but not one ever did.
“OK…” I had no idea how to react. The shock of it all was so intense, I must have looked as if I had gone catatonic. I blinked once more, this time just to make sure I could still function. Finally after several moments, I was able to put together a coherent question. “When?” The calmness in my voice must have freaked him out because he started to sound more uneasy with each passing word.
“A couple months after I moved in. It was stupid mistake. I should have never done it, but that was when I learned how much I actually cared for you. She and I…it was like meaningless. I felt nothing, and I knew then that I loved you.”
“Well I love you too, but I didn’t have to go jump into bed with someone else to figure it out.”
“I know. Please forgive me. Oh Berry, why aren’t you crying.”
This was a very interesting question. Crying was my usual way to release stress and the fact I wasn’t only made him more nervous. I should have pointed to the door right then and said get out!
Foolishly I didn’t.
Only problem, it wasn’t the same as before. Nothing was. The seeds of resentment had been planted and nothing I did could remove them. Everything was shining in a brand new light, including myself. A side of me I had never seen before started to emerge.
It was so slight at first, I just felt as if I was having one of those days. You know, where you get annoyed and its not really for any reason in particular? He would be minding his own business on his computer, and all I wanted to do was knock him in the back of the head. Truth be told, I hated that computer. Many times I fantasized about smashing it into a million little pieces.
But the feelings of annoyance was only the tip of the iceberg. The arguments began not long after. Most of the time over something so very small. I was angry all the time. I would find any possible way to bring up his “indiscretion” and throw it back in his face, in return, he would be angry and frustrated because I couldn’t seem to let it go. It was a horribly ugly circle that we continued to go round and round in.
I started working out even more. Any chance to get out and away was like a gift. My jogs started to get longer and longer each time. It was my only sense of release.
But even my runs wouldn’t allow me to fully escape from the harsh reality of the situation. Flashes of memories, mostly of me and the horribly ugly things i I had been saying, replayed over and over again in my mind. I hated what I was becoming. Such a nasty undertone was overtaking my usual happy and excited nature.
I had never felt so alone in my whole life. Sure I had Patina and tons of others, but there was no way I could talk to them about what was happening. I knew what they would say. “Oh he needs to go.” “Seriously why do you put up with that?” “I’m gonna kill him!” Even it was true, breaking up was that last thought I would have ever let inter into my mind. I cared about him too much. I know it sounds crazy and believe me I know it was, but that was how I felt.
Turning points sneak up on you though, always when you least expect. It was one fateful night that changed everything.
“I have a business trip tomorrow, I will be out of town for the next 3 days.”
I stared at him blankly, I felt my heart sink. “But tomorrow is valentines day…”
“I know. But there is nothing I can do. Big corporate meeting and if I am not there, I could lose my job.”
I did my best to hide my disappointment, but it was apparent in my wavering voice.
“Ok, I guess I will just stay here. Alone.”
“I’m so sorry. I wish I could stay here with you, but this is really important.”
The next morning bright and early, I followed him out to his car and we said our goodbyes.
“Happy valentines day.”
“Happy valentines day to you. Love you.”
“Love you…” I murmured while patting the back of the car. I waved and watched as the car drive out of site. I felt a tear roll down my cheek and I quickly wiped it away as I made my way back up to my apartment.
I went back inside and headed straight for my couch. Collapsing into the cushions, I remained there sulking even after the sun had gone down. I had heard my phone ring a couple times, but I just didn’t have the interest to answer it. A little before 7, ex I drifted off into a nap until I heard a loud knock at the door.
After several knocks, I realized who ever it was, was not going to go away. I pushed myself off the couch and wandered to the front door. I opened to find the bright and smiling face of Patina on the other side.
“Hey! she grinned.
“Hey.” I replied, heading back to the couch
“Whats the matter with you? Where is Ver?”
“On valentines day?”
“What? That is so lame! Get up. You are so coming with me. Party at the boys house…lets go!”
She grabbed hold of my hand and pulled me to an upright position. Wasn’t exactly what I had in mind, but anything was better than hanging out there alone. And yes that included hanging out with Tiber and Chambray.