It had to be a dream, it couldn’t possibly be real. I gripped the phone in my hand, refusing to let it go. For a long moment, I just stared at the screen, unsure of what I should do next. My heart was pounding in my temples and could feel the tears sliding down my chin. What was I supposed to do now? I couldn’t call him, it was far too late for that, and even if I did, what was I going to say? Oh Matrix are you still with your girl, because I swore you came to my house one night to tell me you had broken up? The thought of all the deceit, set off an angry hatred, burning deep within me. I threw the phone on the bed, where it landed neatly into one of the folds away from my sight. Good, I thought to myself, I didn’t want to look at it anymore.
Just like an overwhelming wave of nausea, I felt my stomach turnover with guilt and disgust. I was horrified. What in the world had possessed me to do what I did?! I had slept with Matrix and I did it for all the wrong reasons. I allowed someone else’s smugness to overpower my good judgement, and I hopped right into bed with him, and now, it looked as if I had nothing to show for it. Suddenly my silent tears shifted into sorrowful sobs. How could he do this to me!? How could I do this to myself!? My mind was in a mini game of ping pong. Just about the time I started to feel sorry for myself, a little voice would chime in with a small glimmer of hope that Tulip was lying. It wouldn’t really be above her to start drama, but would she really go out of her way to call me in the middle of the night, for absolutely no reason? That seemed a bit much even for her.
I cleaned up my nose a bit, basically just rubbed the back of my hand across my face, and then took a seat at my desk. I needed to talk to someone, I only hoped that someone, anyone, would be online. It was a stretch seeing it was close 3:3o in the morning, but there was no possible way I was going to sleep now, so it was worth an honest shot. I opened my laptop and pressed the power key. The few seconds it took for my system to boot up felt like an eternity. My heart was still pounding, only a little less violently, now that the shaking had subsided, and that was good thing. Logging into my messenger program, I waited for my friend list to pop up. There she was, or at least it said she was still on. The one person I really wanted to talk to, Cerese.
I sent out a message and then waited as patiently as I could for her to reply. It took less than two seconds. Of course the first thing she wanted to know, was why in the world I was still up. If I had been in better spirits, I probably would have asked her the same thing. Instead, I started to cry again, tears dripping as I typed out a small summary of what had happened. After it was finally ready to send, I held my hand over the enter key for several seconds. I hated having to admit to what I had done, especially to her. She was such a good wholesome girl and I was pretty sure after I sent the message, her whole perception of me was about to change, but my options were kind of on the slim side, so I finally pressed my finger against the offending key. There was a long pause, followed by some amazingly colorful words directed at Matrix. I couldn’t believe it. She was angry all right, but none of it was directed at me, like I had imagined it would. There were many things I did not consider in my haste to get in contact with anyone who would listen. One of those being, Cerese was extremely good friends with Matrix’s girlfriends cousin. Who also went to our school. Well to make a long story short, within 10 minutes there was a four way conversation going between, Cerese, Frost, Cherry and myself. Thankfully to keep my humiliation to a dull roar, the only person I had to communicate with was Cerese. We played relay for about a half an hour, and by the end, it was clear that A: yes Matrix was still with Cherry and B: Cherry was one irate little berry. The shaking started in again. I told Cerese I needed to see her, badly. She invited me come over, so I closed my computer and headed downstairs. I knew couldn’t just take the car, I would have to ask mom and dad first. I went down stairs and headed to the back of the property to Mom and Dad’s private little house.
Carefully opening my parents door, I stepped inside. Every light in the room was out and the darkness was only making it harder to do, what I had come to do. Attempting to do everything in my power to keep my labored breathing from giving away just how horribly upset I was, I inhaled a full deep breath, in hopes it would steady my voice.
“Mom?” It didn’t work. My voice wavered like laundry on the clothesline in the twizzlerbrook wind.
Mom started to stir, the lights were still off as she called out to me from the safe confines of her covers. “Baby? What’s wrong?”
I shut my eyes and squeezed them tight. Another deep breath and… “Mom I want to go to Cereses.”
“Why love? It’s 4 in the morning.”
“I know.” My voice faltered again. It seemed like, the harder I tried to stay in control, the faster I was spinning out of it.
Mom pushed herself upright. “Baby? Why are you crying?”
I had no idea what I was going to say. Why was I crying? It was more like, why wasn’t I crying? I had messed up on so many levels. I was ashamed and the last thing I wanted to do was talk about what I had done. I placed my hand to the side of my head, wishing I could hide behind it. “I just really need to see her right now.” I explained, my voice still an utter mess.
“Can’t you go in the morning?”
“No. I need her now.”
“Sweetheart you are way too upset to be driving. What’s the matter?”
My lip started tremble and yet again I was sobbing, I apologetically brought my eyes up to meet her gaze. I had never been so embarrassed in my entire life. Before I had a chance to answer there was another voice coming from the other side of the bed.
“Whats wrong?” My father asked.
“I don’t know, she is having a hard time telling me.”
This was just getting worse, now dad was getting out of bed as well. Finally I came out with it. “Mom, Tulip just called me and… and Matrix is still with his girlfriend!!” I wailed.
“Okay… and you are this upset just because he still has a girlfriend? Are you sure there something else?” She inquired, prying deeper.
I hung my head, I didn’t even have to speak the words. She already knew.
I threw my arms around her and sobbed violently into her shoulder. “I’m sorry!” I cried. “I shouldn’t have done it!”
“It’s okay love. It’s okay.” She replied back, her voice, soft and low as she stroked my hair.
Both of my parents held onto me that early morning, both set of arms, holding onto what was left of their daughter. I had never felt like such a let down in my life. Of course at the time, all I could imagine was their disappointment, it was hard to feel anything else. In reality the only thing they were actually upset about, was the fact that I was hurting so deeply. But you try explaining that to a teenage girl, who just had her heart ripped out of her chest by someone she thought she loved.
I fell asleep between them that night, something I had not done since I was a small girl. It was just what I needed, it was safe and warm and just enough to allow me to finally drift off into a dreamless rest. Once I had finally succumb to sleep , most of the pain dissipated, at least for a temporary moment in time. There was no doubt it would be back when I woke, but a few hours I was able to rest without hurt.
The early afternoon sun, drifted through the shades, blanketing my eyelids with its warmth. I blinked a few times trying to let the light in slowly and then looked around the room. For a brief unconscious millisecond, I’d forgotten where I had fallen asleep, as well had forgotten the previous night and all of it’s transgressions. Then it all crashed down again, like a clap of thunder across my mind. The hurt, the betrayal, it was back with a vengeance.
For the third time in a very short span, I found myself crying. My bruised heart ached with disappointment. It felt as if my insides were trying to escape through my chest, it hurt almost as bad as it had on the front steps of great ancestors home… almost. That had been far worse, but at least with that, I had been fairly sure it would all subside, this felt like it would last forever. My heart had been broken and it was now up to me sit it out and hopefully gather up what remained. I sat on the edge of the bed, staring down at the carpet, letting each tear drip off the tip of my nose. It had been my own fault, I knew that, but that didn’t make it anymore merciful . It actually made it harder, and knowing I could have avoided it all, if I had only listened to my heart and not let my childish pride step in the way, made me want to hide under my parents covers, never to be seen again.
It was almost 2:30 in the afternoon, before I was able to push myself off my parents bed. Hunger was finally getting the better of me, so I sheepishly emerged from the guest house with an invisible weight bearing down on both my shoulders. I had zero energy to spare and each step was more of a drag shuffle across the lawn. It took everything I had to make it through the back yard and up to the sliding glass door. Grabbing hold of the long slider handle and set my forehead against the cool glass. After a moment of trying to gather up another reserve of energy, I slid the glass open and went inside to the kitchen.
I was not expecting what I found there. The entire family minus my mother and father were standing in the kitchen talking in quiet, hushed yet surprisingly heated tones. I stepped right up to the door jam where I froze. Everyone stopped what they were doing to turn in my direction, all four faces drawn in different forms of malcontent. I knew immediately that they all knew. Everyone held their silence as I entered the kitchen and made my way to the refrigerator. I lifted a box of cereal from above the fridge and then grabbed my bowl from the sink. I could feel all the eyes on me, while pulling an opened bottle of milk from the fridge. I had hoped they would go away, but no one budged, not even after I had poured the milk and placed the bottle back on the shelf.
In fact there was no movement, not even a sound, until I set my bowl down at the table for my oddly late breakfast. Before I could even swallow my first spoonful, everyone had crowded around my chair. Now all they could do was speak. Unfortunately it was all at the same time, making in incredibly hard to decipher.
“Oh Sweetheart. Are you alright.”
“That jerk! Just wait until I see him at school…”
“I have a better idea, and I’m not even waiting for school.”
“Boys, just relax. This is Wisteria’s problem, she will deal with it in her own time. Love if you need to talk, I’m here.”
I wanted to drown in my bowl. Somehow things were only getting more and more embarrassing as the time tracked on, as unbelievable as it sounds, I know. I shifted in my seat, hoping that a different position would make what was happening a bit more comfortable. Obviously that wasn’t going to work and I had all but lost my appetite. I pushed the bowl across the table a few inches before standing from my chair. “I think I’m done here.” I muttered to myself, before exiting the room.
Praying that no one would follow, I headed through the front hall towards the stairs. If I could just make it to my room, I would be safe. Thankfully I was alone as I headed to the second floor. I only had the small stretch through the upstairs hall and I was home free. I made it without indecent and shut myself inside.
I gripped the handle and slowly closed the door. Great, now everyone in the house knew I was a hussy. Now everyone can be equally as disappointed. Hooray! Dreamer walked over by my feet and rubbed up against my leg to greet me. “Hey cutie.” I smiled, picking him up and hugging him close. He purred deeply into my ear as I stroked his bristly fur. “You still love me right buddy?”
He let out a small meow and I took it as an immediate, you bet Wisty! At least someone was still on my side, withholding judgement and ridicule. I could only imagine what would happen when school started back again. I shuddered to think, or at least I thought I was shuddering, but it wasn’t me at all, it was my phone. I retrieved it from my pocket to find a text message had come in.
I had to check twice after my eyes adjusted to the name. It was Matrix. What could he possibly want. “I know what you”re… was call I could read. I was going to have to open it fully to get the rest. Against my better judgement, I hit the see more button.
“I know what you’re doing, but it didn’t work. Cherry and I are still together. I told her everything and she forgave me. The truth will set you free. -M”
I glared at the screen. Why that little… no word seemed appropriate, or nasty enough to describe him. I wanted chuck my phone right at his head, but settled for slamming it down hard on my desk.
How could anyone possibly be that awful! I could feel all the hurt that had been resting in heart, slowly trickle away as the anger flowed in. I was no longer sad about losing him, all I wanted to do was scream in his face and tell him what a big jerk he was. How could I be so stupid! To think anything that he had said had been meaningful. It was all lies and I ate it up like it had been the most heartfelt confession since Romeo to Juliet. Idiot! If I never saw him again, it would be far too soon. Unfortunately when you go to school together, it’s kind of impossible, but I was determined to see him as less as I possibly could.
I couldn’t tell you, if he decided not to show his face around, or if someone actually asked him not to come back, but either way Matrix no longer frequented our hangout spot and no one seemed to miss him. It was the closest thing we had to a normal semblance and even that didn’t last very long. The dynamic, even with only one missing member, had shifted everything. There was a new seat order, and even a couple new faces.
Of course, some things stay the same, but only after they’ve shifted into a new form. Sandy was no longer locking lips with Requiem all the time. Now she had my brother, in fact my brothers presence eventually lost us another member of group. Requiem couldn’t hang, and even though they were polite enough to keep the mushiness at bay while he was around, he too soon disappeared, only to pop up once in a while when he needed something from his sister. It seemed my little slip up had 0n going effects, or maybe times were just changing. Nothing stays the same forever afterall.
At least I still had my BFF. I never would have survived without her.
And we still had our own little group with Tapestry, Cerese and I. Only difference now was most of the time we had a car to walk to, instead of down the road. There were still days when I couldn’t get the car, and after poor Cerese’s car had caught fire, we often found ourselves walking the same old beaten path, only now the conversation was a bit more balanced now that Tapestry and I were actually a friendship type basis. Slowly life started to get back to normal, but there was a part of me, a part that couldn’t get past it all.
It wasn’t Matrix, I wanted nothing to do with that lying, cheating, berryhole. This was more of an internal problem. The realization that maybe I wasn’t good enough for girlfriend material. I was the fat friend, and who would want that? I had pushed it off for years, I had even gotten to a point where I thought I had pushed all my weight insecurities to the back of my mind for good. Unfortunately a soul crushing betrayal can be just enough to open an old wound. I found myself obsessed with my scale, as well as my mirror. I had decided if I ‘d hoped for any chance to be happy, I was going to have to finally get serious about losing my extra weight.
It was going to be a long road ahead.